We all want to be more tolerant and easy going but sometimes we find ourselves being the opposite and wish that we were better. It is difficult to just say, ‘I’ll stop being judgmental.” We need to be shown how. In the past, this is something I have to work on a lot. Here are somethings I’ve learned to help me significantly change into a more loving and accepting person. Some people are not even self-aware enough to recognize that they are intolerant so I’ve put down below a few ways to identify intolerance within ourselves. I know I wasn’t aware or else I would be different, right?

Sadly, if we don’t check ourselves, we can create a world full of anger and trouble. This is an important topic to discuss. We all have room to grow, myself included.

How and why are we judgmental & critical?

A virtue taken to a vice

Being judgmental and critical is a way we self-correct. This self-correcting is a good thing but most of the time it is taken far into a vice where it becomes a negative energy. This is a negative energy because you are constantly looking to find weaknesses and faults. You look for it in yourself and in others. When you look at a report card, you quickly skim through the A’s and focus on how many B’s or C’s you have. You create negative emotions as you focus more on those weaknesses. It is a form of punishment for not being better.

If you think about it, we are constantly evolving, growing, and changing. Being judgmental & critical puts us and others in a box which stops (or damns) our progression. We label ourselves and others in order to find understanding of some sort. Who are we to have the last word in who people should be or do and what their value and worth is? Isn’t that playing God? Realizing this gave me a better perspective and liberated me.

We have to be especially careful when it comes to our children to not be too judgmental & critical of them. We can correct them but do it in a respectful way that honors their power to choose. Years ago, when my children were afraid to tell me somethings, that was a clue for me to change and make it safe for them to be closer to me. They can tell me anything without judgement.

This virtue of self-correcting is taken to a vice because we have a false belief that we can’t trust ourselves to choose the right! We think that if we are more harsh on ourselves then we will have a better chance of change and improvement and we will ‘learn our lesson.’ In reality, if we make it safe for ourselves to make mistakes, we have more courage to succeed!

Holding people up to YOUR standards

Being judgmental & critical is holding others up to your standards. We all have our own different set of life skills and experiences compared to other people. Our education and training is different to others. Do you find yourself asking, why others can’t do it? Or why they just don’t get it? This is a sign that you are holding them up to your standards and personal expectations. Sometimes your own standards are set too high which if you were to be honest with yourself, haven’t made you deeply happy anyways. You let contentment be just out of reach thinking that is the way you guarantee growth and progression.

When you finally give yourself some slack, it is easier to give others slack and forgiveness to others. Now you can relax and let people be. God’s got it!!

Why is being judgmental & critical so damaging?

How do you know you are judgmental & critical?

It is hard to change if you don’t know you are judgmental & critical. Here are some signs to look for.

Things that your children complain about are clues for you because often they reflect you and your intolerances. I’ve taught many kids and I hear their parent in them.
People don’t feel safe around you because they know you’ll find fault with them no matter how hard they try. They have to always be careful around you.
You’ve got very few close friends! Few honest ones anyways that you can have a ‘heart to heart’ conversation with.
You feel that people don’t like you. It seems like you push people away. My body literally shakes when I am too near negative people. Even though I choose to love them, even I can only be connected with them for short periods of time. Their energy is low and heavy.
You feel rejected and talked behind. Feel defensive when you speak to people. You feel a need to explain yourself all the time.
You’ve got a lot of drama and conflict in your life perhaps compared to others. You expect drama sometimes because people just don’t understand you! (This is because you don’t understand or accept yourself.) You feel like you have to ‘fight’ for what you want.
You feel intolerant & irritated about other people’s differences. This comes from a fear that you are not safe somehow when people are too different from you.
Your jokes put others down instead of lifting others up.

Being judgmental & critical is selfish

As much as we want to be easy-going, loving, and SELFLESS we are not when we are judgmental & critical.

Without meaning to, you focus on yourself more when you are judgmental & critical. You think about what YOU would do if it were you doing it! “The company should…”, “He/she should…”

You may feel that others don’t know what they are doing. You over extend yourself unnecessarily to make sure ‘they’ see YOU as a good helpful person. Sadly, it leads you to have a lopsided perspective of how much you do and how much you give compared to others. You see that you were ‘only trying to help!’ You want to be helpful so YOU can feel important, valued, and loved. Even with all your work helping others, you think you are unequally supported so you complain that people don’t understand you, people don’t see how much you do, and do not appreciate you! All this is focusing on YOU!

Be objective and step out of your own way and view the situation from other people’s perspective. Smell Cardamom to help you be objective with yourself. A healthy self-love will help you balance this lopsided attention on yourself. As you plug into God, you have proper confidence and comfort in yourself, that you no longer need to protect number one. Instead, you can now focus on others and love others as you love yourself.

Being judgmental & critical holds you back from success

Depending on how harsh you are to yourself, you will be that same degree of harshness on others. This makes you fearful of taking risks and trying new things out. You hold yourself back because you can already hear the judgmental & critical things others will be saying if you fail. If you give yourself some slack and others the same kindness, then even if you fail, no one will be there pointing a finger at you.

If you don’t love yourself, you subconsciously stop others from loving you even if you desperately need and want it. You stop God from blessing you even though it is raining blessings around you. You have a self-sabotaging umbrella up stopping blessings from touching you. As you can see being judgmental & critical holds you back from success.

What are ways we can stop being judgmental & critical and be more kind & tolerant?

How to change?

Give yourself some slack. Give this child of God some wriggle room. It is ok to make mistakes. It is a necessary part of learning. Mistakes don’t define you or make you less worthy of a person.
Give others the same slack. Make it safe for others to be themselves. Only point out people’s wonderful strengths. Let God correct them in their weaknesses.
Praise yourself and others honestly by focusing strengths. We can point out the never ending list of weaknesses in ourselves and in others, but it won’t get us anywhere. Our weaknesses are God-given to help remind us to be humble. Let God’s arrangements be!! Your only job in this world is to LOVE yourself and others along this journey. LOVE means unconditionally accepting others for who they are now. Love means you trust that they’ll figure things out in the end with God’s help. LOVE means you give others the freedom to make mistakes and use their power to choose–even if it means they may mess up. Simply decided today and CHOOSE to love people no matter what.
Celebrate people’s differences. Be grateful how well people can complement you. You will do this well when you’ve learned to fully accept who you are and understand all your strengths and weaknesses. Know thy self!
Work on Self-Love. Your deep fear is you are not important or valuable enough compared to others. Release that fear. You should not compare with anyone to determine your worth because it is like comparing apples and oranges. Love yourself unconditionally as God loves you. Then you’ll subconsciously allow others to love you too. When you feel God’s love for you, you’ll see how much He loves others just as much too. Allow yourself to be at peace with yourself and then the world will be peaceful too. Believe you are SAFE! Allow others to love you! Choose to RECEIVE!
Practice respectful inclusive speech. Respect people’s agency (power to choose) by using considerate language. Instead of giving commands. Ask, “Is it ok if….” or “Would you mind if…” People like to feel like they are respected and free to choose. No one likes to be told what to do with the under tone suggesting that they aren’t smart enough to figure it out so YOU have to tell them. Show confidence in others and allow them to contribute in the team thinking. To my children, I say, “What do you think about…” or “I am sure you will find a way to…” Inclusive speech will come naturally when you think inclusively. It is not either or, you or me, it is us and we. Before you speak ask yourself, is this inclusive or exclusive thinking?
Be careful of superlative language. Superlatives are absolute words such as an exaggerated praise. Examples of superlatives are: The Best! The ONLY! Never! ALWAYS! Biggest. Worse. If something is inclusive it is from God. If it separates and excludes, it is not from God. A helpful thing to say is, “It is one of the best I’ve ever seen.” Or “According to my understanding, I has been that way since…”, “It seems to me like…” People respect people who speak this way more than those who over use superlatives.
Assume the best. We are all children of God. There is something divinely good within us all. Look for that divinity! Get to know people by asking questions about them. The undertone of speech can give away people’s thinking. Sometimes I feel people talking down to others even though they don’t see it or mean it. This indicates that they think the other person doesn’t know. Recognize that experiences such as pains and traumas in people’s pasts could be the reasons why people operate the way they do today. Most people want to be good. As a school teacher, sometimes if I pretend that a self-labeled ‘naughty kid’ is a good kid, he usually becomes that after a while. Somehow God’s got this and things will resolve as it should. Let go of the need to control it all.

Essential oils

As you work on changing, smell these oils Coriander, Cassia, Bergamot, Geranium, Rose, and Forgive Renewal blend.

Here are some suggested new beliefs to help you develop more love and tolerance:

I am equal to all of God’s children.

I am smart enough/ capable enough to learn and change.

There is only one of me. I am free to be me.

I am safe even if people are different.

I love and honor myself. I allow myself to be loved.

I respect other’s for who they are.

I give others the benefit of the doubt.

I allow others to be safe around me even when they mess up.

Each of the above essential oils will teach you profound lessons. Use them daily and allow them to teach you more. You’ll know when you’ve accepted yourself more fully by how much you allow yourself to be vulnerable, happy, valued, and cared for.

What are the benefits of being kind, loving & accepting?

Be kinder to the child of God that is staring back at you when you are looking into the mirror. When you CHOOSE to be kinder and more loving to yourself, miracles starts to happen. Here are some benefits:

Better health: When you are vibrating higher with the LOVE energy, you’ll have more energy and vitality. Your vibration will attract higher vibrations in everything from food, drinks, music, people, environment etc. Your body will repel things that are low vibrations.

Relaxed: You will feel more relaxed when you love yourself fully. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone to be loved and accepted. There is no need to be perfect today!

Authentic: When you accept yourself, then you’ll start detecting who you really are. You literally start to fall in love with yourself. Then you are ok sharing your weaknesses with others and being human too.

Healthy weight: When we are relaxed, our cells relax and let go of excess fat. So you can loose weight in your sleep!! Your vibration will attract higher vibration healthy foods. So the craving of bad foods go away.

Deeper & more restful sleep: Sleep is when we repair and organize. When you are not tense and stressed anymore your body will repair properly giving you more energy and helping you think clearly. When you surrender to the universe, your whole being let’s go fully too.

Spiritual clarity: Spiritual clarity comes easily when your brain is not foggy and your body is not stressed. You are just focusing on your strengths and your purpose so you see more clearly who you are and where you need to go. In the past, you are so distracted by self-loathing and how inadequate everyone else is, so you have less brain and heart space for spiritual clarity. Now with this extra space, you can understand how to fulfill your life’s purpose without worrying about what other people might think. Wisdom comes when you know you don’t know everything yet but is moving forward with faith anyways.

Abundance: Abundance is a natural state of spiritual connection. You attract goodness in all forms. You can have abundance in time, money, friends, and creativity. You can’t help but attract abundance. Now that you are not busy worrying about other people and holding yourself back, you can relax and make room for more good things into your life.

Conclusion

Now, I find it easier to love and forgive myself. As I use essential oils daily, I am more relaxed so I allow myself to have some slack. In my meditations and prayers, I can see how to apply this love to myself and then others. I am easier on myself and more tolerant of others. My body and life reflects that maturity and change. Remember it is a progression along the continuum of Faith. Keep moving closer to the light.

Don’t feel discouraged and go to extremes. If you aren’t there in the bright light yet, don’t assume that you are totally in the dark. Know that there are different ‘values’ of light and you are simply stripping off the darkness to reveal more of who you really are on the inside.

For years, I’ve prayed to love others like Jesus does. This knowledge is the answer to these prayers. I feel like I have developed a greater capacity of love. It is so exciting to move more and more into the light. You too can come along and allow more light into your life by replacing judgement and critical feelings with love and tolerance.